Spike's Unbelievable Magic Show
by xXxStarfroot-the-hedgehogxXx
Summary: Applejack and Spike hold a magic show for Rarity, but they get more than they bargained for.
1. Jewels

"Get ready to have your mind blown, Rarity!" said Spike.

Spike, Applejack, and Rarity were standing on a grassy little hill outside of Ponyville. Spike had been secretly studying magic for almost a week, and he was eager to get Rarity's attention with his newfound skills. Applejack had agreed to volunteer as his assistant. Spike couldn't find a wand to perform his spells with, so he waved around a pink pickle doll that he had found in Twilight Sparkle's bed.

He was really sucking so far, and Applejack was fidgeting from all of the secondhand embarrassment. Now, as Spike was about to do his grand finale, Applejack hoped to Celestia that he wouldn't humiliate himself any further.

"Just get on with it, Spike," Rarity sighed. She was on her period and she was out of tampons so she had to put together a makeshift one out of jewels. The fact that she was called to this magic show when she was busy sewing Scootaloo's wedding dress did not help her exasperation.

"Ready, A.J.?" Spike moaned.

Spike twirled the pickle doll around and Applejack died.

"Noooooo," Spike said, "I knew I should have used the banana doll instead."

"SPIKE HWHAT THE FUCK!" shouted Rarity.

"WE NEED TO HIDE THIS BODY SO WE DON'T GET ARRESTED," said Spike.

"Indubitably," agreed Rarity.

Snails saw the whole thing so they killed him and he fell into the river. Rarity asked why they couldn't put Applejack in the river. Spike said it was too frou-frou.

"I know! Let's go to my house!" said Spike. So they went to the library. They tried to shove the body down the potty. "She won't fit!" said Spike.

"For cryin' out loud," said Rarity. She pulled a gem shard out of her and she chopped off the arms and legs and head and hat and tried to shove each part down the potty hole. That's when they heard the door to the library open and close.

"SHIT IT'S TWILIGHT!"

"Here, Rarity, let me do it."

"SPIKE HURRY!"

"It's not going down!"

"_**SPIKE JUST FUCKIN' PUSH IT DOWN THE GODDAMN JOHN!**_"

"Rarity? Spike? Are you up there?" They heard Twilight call. They heard hoofsteps coming up the stairs and Rarity used her unicorn horn magic to open the back of the toilet and neatly stack AJ's body parts in the tank. She just replaced the lid when Twilight trotted into the bathroom.

"Spike, what is that stuff all over you?" Twilight asked, pointing a hoof at the huge sticky red stains of red on his scales.

"It's… punch." Spike bullshitted.

"Spike, I keep telling you that you're not big enough to use regular cups." Twilight didn't ask Rarity why she was all covered in blood because Twilight had memorized all of her friends' cycles. "Well, as long as I'm in here, I have some business to take care of," – she jerked her head toward the door – "I think you'd better stand back for this one."

Rarity and Spike, legs shaking, slunk out of the bathroom. They closed the door behind them. They waited, scarcely breathing. An agonizing half-hour went by when they heard a new noise coming from the other side of the bathroom door: a lusty scream. The door flew open, freeing a cloud of fumes from its cell. "SPIKE! RARITY! GET IN HERE AND LOOK INSIDE THE TOILET!"

Rarity and Spike knew from the sound of Twilight's voice that she was not about to show them another one of her "masterful concoctions". They walked over to the toilet and looked inside. Scarlet flowed from the sides of the bowl and collected at the bottom.

"THERE IS BLOOD IN THE MOTHERFUCKING TOILET AND I KNOW _FOR A FACT_ THAT MY POOP IS NOT BLOODY!"

"Twilight… I-I…"

"There must be something wrong with the tank!" Twilight reached for the cover.

"TWILIGHT STOP!" Spike stretched out his little dragon claws, "IT'S MY FAULT!"

Twilight turned to Spike. He fumbled for an answer. "It's… punch."

Twilight stared at him. "…Punch?"

"Y-yeah. The plumbing isn't working right so I had to use punch so I could flush the toilet."

"Well, you should have told me, Spike!" Twilight said. She usually did her bathing at the spa or at Pinkie's house, and she only had to take a shit every month or so, so she wouldn't have noticed if the plumbing was acting up. "Sheesh, that gave me a frickin' heart attack!" She chuckled in relief. "Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Anyway, I was just about to head down to the spa to wash my booty hole. You guys look like you could use some w-"

"TWILIGHT I WAS HOLDING A MAGIC SHOW FOR RARITY AND I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING BUT THEN I KILLED APPLEJACK AND WE TRIED TO SHOVE HER DOWN THE SHITTER BUT SHE WOULDN'T FIT SO RARITY CUT HER UP WITH HER SNATCH GEM BUT SHE STILL WOULDN'T FIT AND THEN WE HEARD YOU COMING AND…and…" Spike became quiet as he looked at Twilight's face. "She's… in the tank."

Twilight glanced at the tank. She walked around to the side of the toilet and took off the lid of the tank. She looked inside silently for a few seconds. She looked over her shoulder at Rarity, who was glaring at Spike.

"Rarity," Twilight finally said, making Rarity snap her head up and sweat. "Why didn't you just cut Applejack into smaller pieces and flush those?"

Spike and Rarity looked at each other. Then they started giggling. Twilight chuckled. "You two are morons!" They all shared a long laugh of relief and sang as each of them took a shard from Rarity's pussy and cut Applejack up into tiny bits and poured the morsels into the toilet. It turns out that the plumbing really was broken, so they filled the tank with fruit punch mixed with pee and waved goodbye as the most dependable of ponies disappeared in a swirling pool of goo.

The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon rub-a-dubbing at the spa and afterwards they went back to the library and made coconut smoothies.


	2. Epilogue

As they were cleaning up, Twilight said to Spike, "Hey, Spike, where did you learn the spells that you were showing Rarity?"

Spike shifted on his butt. "Well, it's just that… you know… you do all sorts of really cool spells and…" He traced a circle on the floor. "I guess I wanted to know how to do stuff, too, so I… looked through your books…" He looked up at Twilight and his eyes welled up. "I didn't want you to find out! Please don't be mad! I just want to be as good as you!" He covered his eyes.

Twilight nuzzled him. "Spike, why would I be mad? You don't have to keep it a secret. I'll always be here and happy to help you get better at magic."

Spike looked up. "You'd… really teach me, Twilight?" He sniffed.

"Of course, Spike. As long as you're willing to practice."

"Thanks, mommy."

They hugged each other and ignored Rarity for the rest of the night.

Twilight found out later that Spike had taken her pickle doll and she left him in a swamp.

Snails's corpse was not alone as the river carried it to Fillydelphia, where the water supply tasted like apple juice and slime for ten weeks.

**I think I went a little crazy with the exposition, but tell me what you think!**


End file.
